Spiders Part 1


Spiders Part 1

I don’t know what it is about spiders that scares the everloving puddingshits out of me. I have no problem with snakes, rats, sharks, or any of the other typical creepy crawlies that give people the heebie jeebies in their under-skeevies. That was a fun sentence to write.

Moving on. I’ve been afraid of spiders for as long as I can remember. I can’t recall a specific event that led to my specific phobia. No, wait. That’s a lie. Anybody remember the movie Arachnophobia? It’s about spiders taking over a town or eating peoples’ faces or something. I can’t remember because I was six the first (and only) time I saw it. SIX! My parents rented it from Blockbuster (for you youngins- Blockbuster is what you would get if Netflix were to open a store in real life) and let me watch it. Thanks, Mom.

I have plenty of stories about interacting with spiders. Like the time I was playing paintball in the woods without a mask and ran, face-first, into a spiderweb with a large, black spider hanging out right in the middle of it. If you ever doubt that I’m coordinated, just know that I took off at a full sprint and stripped butt naked at the same time. I also let out a very high-pitched scream, but that didn’t have anything to do with coordination, so it didn’t count.

This story, however, comes from a family friend and his…family…

That was a weird sentence to write.

Moving on. Again. This story begins with our friends, we’ll call them The Smiths. The Smiths had just returned from a trip to the grocery store when their youngest daughter, Little Smith, closed the car door. Just before it closed, she caught a glimpse of a decent-sized white spider crawling on the inside of the top of the door frame. She freaked out, thinking she had just squished a spider in the car door. She yelled for her older sister, the middle daughter of the Smith family. Middle Smith, not wanting to expose her younger sister to the carnage that was surely waiting on the inside of the door, told Little Smith to look away. She opened the door and observed….nothing. No spider guts. No spider pieces. No spider. The conclusion was reached that the spider had either A) did an Indiana Jones tuck-and-roll at the last second and was now on top of the car or B) had done the same thing but was now INSIDE THE CAR.

Papa Smith came over to see what the commotion was. The two girls relayed the story to their now-concerned father. He was a now-concerned father mainly due to the fact that he was supposed to take the vehicle to work that afternoon. Papa Smith stood up as tall as he could to see if Ninja Spider was on top of the vehicle. Nothing. He poked his head in the car and looked around. No sign of Shaolin Spider. Papa Smith brushed off the concerns of his daughter and his mild internal fear, saying the spider had probably made a clean getaway.

Later that afternoon Papa Smith was at highway cruising speeds. He was repeating a trek he took almost daily- heading to his job as Head Quality Control Technician of Giant Black Dildos Incorporated. HA! Joking, of course. I only typed that because I know he’s going to read this. And that’s the kind of friends we are. He’s actually Head Quality Control Technician for Bass Pro Shops Stinkbait Division. 

But this story is not about his job. It’s about his journey. Which will be finished in the next article. Stay tuned for Part 2. 

  • Milan Bernaudo

    Black on black in the Charger I’m creepin’ Rub me the right way, you might get a genie B.o.B, black Houdini

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