Yesterday was Aimee’s 5th birthday. When I was a kid, birthdays were a semi-big deal. My family basically allowed you to do whatever you wanted to on your birthday, within reason. Didn’t feel like doing your chores? Birthday, bitches. Wanted to eat gummy bears for breakfast? Muthaflippin birthday, peasants. Wanted to tell your mom exactly what you thought of her stupid rules? ALL THE PARTY PEOPLE SAY “BIRTHD–” nope. Nevermind. Just got the shit smacked out of me. But, you get the picture. Birthdays are all about the…birthdayee? Is that how you say that? It is now.
Anyways, we asked Aimee what she wanted to do for her birthday. She told us that she wanted to go shopping. So we did. For furniture. Hey, she didn’t specify. And we need a new couch. Okay, okay. We took her to a pizza buffet first and then got sugary treats on the way home. So it was still kid-friendly. But this article isn’t about that. This article is about the absolute joy it is to watch my wife try to use the voice command feature in her mini-van. It’s like watching one of your kids faceplant. You know you shouldn’t laugh but dammit if that isn’t funny.
The missus and I recently changed phone carriers. Her van has this cool feature that allows you to play audio directly from your phone with no wires required. Leading scientists have named this technology “Bluetooth.” Have you seen this wizardry? FYI- make sure your youtube and web browser on your phone are closed before you do the voice prompt, because you will hear the last thing that was playing on your phone coming through crystal clear on your car’s speakers. This is especially embarrassing if you’ve recently been watching porn or, in my case, Greatest Harmonica Hits of the 90’s. Don’t ask. I’ve already been judged by my family.
Where was I? Oh, right– Bluetooth Wizardry. So, because we recently changed phone carriers, we also changed phones. She hadn’t had a chance to pair her new phone with the car’s Bluetooth system. So yesterday when I was driving the family to the pizza place, she decided to give it a shot. Here’s how the interaction between my wife and the voice command lady went.
Wife [Hits voice command button]: Bluetooth Audio.
Voice Command: I think you said “send message.” Is that correct?
VC: Restate your command.
W: Bluetooth audio
VC: [Changes radio over to AM]
W [hits button]: Bluetooth Audio
VC: Running vehicle diagnostics
VC: [returns to AM]
W [button]: Bluetooth audio
VC: [changes radio to FM]
W [visibly irritated][button]: BLUETOOTH AUDIO
VC: Would you like to change your language to Spanish? ¿Te gustaría cambiar tu idioma al español?
W [talking to me]: This stupid thing does not work.
VC: No disc loaded. [changes radio to AM]
W: ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?
Me [trying not to laugh]: Honey, let me do it. [hits button] Bluetooth audio.
VC: Bluetooth audio.
W: MOTHERF**KING PIECE OF–
Me: Honey, calm down. It’s on the bluetooth menu. Add your phone.
W [pushes Menu button]: Add phone
VC: Add phone
W: Oh. Okay. It worked.
VC: No disc loaded. [changes radio to FM]
Me: Earmuffs, kids.
W: ARE YOU F**KING KIDDING ME?! I WILL SELL YOU FOR SCRAP YOU OVERPRICED PIECE OF MONKEY SH*T!
Me: We’re here. [Turns off car before situation escalates]
After the meal, we sat in the parking lot and I completed the process of pairing her phone. She mean-mugged the console the whole time. Her van will live to misunderstand her another day. For now.