5 days. 5 freaking days since the last time I posted an article. Don’t worry. I missed each and every one of you. Except you, Dave. No, not you, Dave. The other Dave.

Anyways, where to start? For those of you who haven’t bothered turning on a TV or checking Facebook, Rainpocalypse 2017 is upon us. Hurricane Harvey, that dirty sumbitch, is aiming for the Texas coast. Everybody seems to be pretty worried about it. Rightfully so, I guess. Personally, I’m not getting too excited about it for two reasons. The first is that I’m a fireman who has been through a few of these before. I’ve learned if you get too excited there’s a good chance you’ll forget something important like how to save an orphan or a kitten, or an orphaned kitten. And, really, nobody wants that. The other reason I’m not too worried about Harvey the A**hole is that I currently reside with four miniature hurricanes around the clock. Their names are Kaylee, Aimee, Lucy, and Eleanor. Realistically, though, Eleanor was just born so she’s more of a tropical depression. A poopy, noisy tropical depression.

Most people compare their kids to tornadoes. Their logic is flawed, though. You see, a tornado is a short-lived event that produces massive amounts of destruction. A tornado would be like when my Godchildren come over and play with our girls. They’re only there for a brief time but, when they leave we find ourselves walking among the disaster area and chanting, “We will rebuild.” I’m certain that our kids display the same destructive power when they go to their Godparents’ house.

Living with kids full-time is definitely more comparable to hurricane-esque conditions. Hurricanes produce storm surge that can bring floodwaters dozens of miles into the coast. My kids produce storm surges during bath time that can bring bubble-bath floodwaters dozens of feet into our bathroom. Prior to giving the girls a bath, I often do a personal safety check that includes removing all valuable electronics from my pockets, tucking in loose clothing and jewelry that may snag on something, and donning a personal flotation device. Hurricanes can also produce sustained damage over the course of several hours and, on rare occasions, days. My kids have been producing sustained damage for several years.

If you’ve ever experienced a hurricane, you know it’s not just the physical destruction that can cause stress and grief. The mental anguish of the event can be just as damaging. Living with kids is the same way. You’re going to end up with bumps and bruises. Things are going to get broken. But your emotional stability is also at risk. Make sure you have a good support group or, at the very least, someone to cry with.

Have you ever seen a Texan shopping for hurricane supplies? About 90% of their shopping carts are booze. Have you ever been on a shopping trip with our family? Same story.

So I’m not really worried about this Harvey guy that’s about to come knocking on our door. I have a feeling that when he sees what his competition is, he’s going to pack his shit and leave. Bring it, Harvey.

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