I know, I know. It’s been a few days since I’ve posted an article. But like our slogan says, a little bit of life happened. If you’ve been following along thus far, we recently had a new baby. It’s weird just how many baby-specific things you forget between the birth of each child– even after four of them. And it’s not just the obvious stuff like having to wake up a milk-drinking noise critter every three hours to eat. I’m talking about the little stuff. Like making sure there’s a new diaper under the baby before you try to take the poopy one off. Because I promise you– no matter how fast you think you can change a diaper or how many times you’ve done it, you will not be able to beat the poop clock in time to avoid green baby dookey all over your bed. And what’s more, that rude little poop-monster won’t even clean up after themselves.
Or, what about the fact that babies need to be burped after they eat and there is a 147% chance they will throw up on you at least a little bit. This is something our 7 year old recently found out when she offered to “help” by burping the baby. My wife had just finished breastfeeding and needed to go to the bathroom. Seconds after she sat on the toilet she hears from the living room, “oh no oh no oh God OH MY GOD EWWWW EWWWW OH MYYYYYYY GOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDDDD”. My wife exited the bathroom to the sight of a content three-week old being held by a not-so-content 7 year old covered in baby puke. I don’t think she’s going to offer to help again for a while.
And since we’re talking about breastfeeding, here’s another fun fact. Did you know breastfeeding sometimes requires accessories and equipment? What in the disco-dancing jiggly balls? Is it not just boob to face? Not always, apparently. Even something as simple as breastfeeding can require what I’m pretty sure is just surplus oil pipeline equipment– flanges and hoses and regulators. For what’s supposed to just be boob to mouth, this stuff gets complicated.
You think that’s bad? Let’s talk about pumping. You see, after your newborn drinker-of-boob-juice is finished eating, your wife probably still has some milk left in those sweater kittens. So what are you supposed to do with all that milk? You pump it out and store it in the freezer. Holy sugar-covered panda farts. Have you seen this crap? My wife sits on the couch, all nonchalant-like, and unbuckles the hard case on The Boobie Suck-o-tron 3000. She hooks up the hoses, c-clamps, boob grabbers, flanges, and photon phasers. Then she puts these trumpet-looking jug suckers up to her nipples and flips the switch. Actually, I use to have to flip the switch because she has the same amount of hands as boobs. Then, she went to Boobs R’ Us and bought an over-the-shoulder-udder-holder so that she could go hands-free with her jiggly juice extraction. So now she has the Jugsucker 3000 running AND she’s able to accomplish other tasks like throw things at me or point at things she wants me to do.
How about bathing a newborn? Did you know there’s a specific process to remember when you’re washing a baby. You start with the face. Wipe inside to outside away from the eyes, nose, mouth. Then clean under the nine fat rolls under her chin. Assuming you don’t yet have to change the water due to her pooping in it, now comes the fun part– picking up a wet, slippery, screaming infant and attempting to wash their back. Imagine a pressed ham covered in soap has come to life and is now screaming and flailing around. And you’re expected not to drop it. They frown on that.
But, despite all of this, it feels awesome to have a baby in the house again. It’s great to see my wife and girls caring for and welcoming the new addition to our house. If things keep going the way they are, we might even keep her.