Diaper Raccoon


Diaper Raccoon

In an effort to promote the new website, I decided to do a product review. I’ve never done a product review before, so I googled exactly how to go about accomplishing this. Adventure time!

The first suggestion recommended by the Google was to review a product that you’re familiar with. I have four kids. The most obvious choice for a product to review would obviously be child-related. Bottles? No, that wouldn’t work. Some of our kids were breastfed. Baby food? Well, that would mean I would probably have to taste some of it myself. No thanks, I’m not in the mood for pureed squash. Have you ever smelled that stuff? Smells like baby farts and regret.

What to do what to do…..

Wait a minute. I have four kids. What do they all have in common? Diapers. I’ve spent a small fortune in diapers over the past eight years. I’m certain that I have single-handedly made Pampers stock rise at least a point and a half. That sure is a nice summer home Mr. H.G. Pampers (not sure if that’s the guy’s name. Sounded good). You’re welcome, Diaper King.

Diapers it is then. Next, the Google Machine says that I should put the product through its paces and record the results. What the what? A diaper is designed to do one thing– hold processed food and drink from tiny humans. I assure you, Mr. Google, that we are well aware of the design specifications of a diaper. But a review like that would be boring. So let’s REALLY challenge these diapers.

I began to form an idea. My wife could see the wheels turning in my head. Just as she began to speak her words of caution, it came to me. While she was saying something about “you’re gonna get hurt” and “my mom was right about you” one of those light bulb moments happened. What if we test the durability of the diaper under extreme conditions? My kids have two speeds– sleep and lightning bolt. The diapers we put them in have held up to most reasonable demands. But I think we can do better than that. The goal is to test a product to its extreme so that you know it’s prepared for “normal operating condition.” That’s when it came to me.

What if we tested it on a raccoon? I know that animal testing is usually frowned upon but come on. It makes sense. Think about all the ways a raccoon is just like a toddler. Angry? Check. Smelly? Check. Sometimes found covered in garbage? Motherflippin check that shit!

Okay so the first thing I needed to do was catch a raccoon. I wasn’t going to tell my wife the plan yet mainly due to the fact that I thought she would try to steal my idea but also because I wasn’t prepared to be reminded of how big of a dumbass I was.

We have a large storage shed in the back of our yard. There’s a depression under the entryway that, judging by my recently google-acquired knowledge of raccoon sizes, appears to have been dug by an adolescent raccoon. Or one of my daughters. But I’m an optimist so I’m going to say raccoon. The plan was to get in my best ninja outfit, set up in the entryway of the shed just above the whole, throw out some bait, and wait for my opportunity to strike. It was foolproof. FOOLPROOF I TELL YOU!

Except it wasn’t.

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