Goats are the Best Form of Government


Goats are the Best Form of Government

Maybe I haven’t explained how the Kingdom of Noisetopia works. You’re going to have to follow along carefully as I’m going to attempt to explain it as thoroughly as I can. In all honesty, after 10 years even I’m not entirely sure how it works, but we’ll give it a shot. Ready? Here goes….

I am the self-appointed “King” of Noisetopia. That would make us a Monarchy, I think. But, we also have the Queen and the four Princesses so that would make us…nevermind. Google says that’s also a Monarchy. However, we regularly refer to our daughters (especially Aimee) as “Drama Queens” so I think that constitutes some kind of nobility via appointment or something. And having multiple powerful rulers would make us an Oligarchy.

I like to think of myself as the last word in the house. What I say goes, I’m right, you’re wrong, eye of the tiger, blah blah blah. So that would make this a Dictatorship. However, I have recently come to suspect my wife only let’s me think I have the last word. Ultimately I just end up doing whatever she says anyways. So I guess that would make us a Puppet State. Then again, most of our decisions are based off the good of the people (daughters) so that would make us a Republic. But, those same people we are trying to help often express that they could do a better job without us so that would make us an Anarchy But these same tiny humans that seek to overthrow us also need our money for things like food and shelter, so that would make us Anarcho-Capitalist. So then the Queen and I reiterate that it’s our house and our rules so that would make us an Autocracy.

In actuality, the Queen and I usually have no idea what we’re doing and are still suprised that there wasn’t some kind of test to become a parent. Apparently, they’ll let just about anybody do that. And considering our distinct lack of qualifications, that would make this a Kakistocracy which translates to “government by the worst.”

Then again, I also live in a house with 5 other women, a girl dog, a girl rabbit, and fish that I’m like 90 % certain are also girls. So this would definitely be a Matriarchy.

As the girls grow up, they start to earn more responsibility (read: chores). This means that with demonstrated talents and abilities (i.e. Kaylee is tall so she gets switch out the laundry) they get appointed to certain positions within the government, such as Laundry Switcher Outer. That would mean we’re a Meritocracy.

While it may look like the Kingdom of Noisetopia is all-powerful and self-sufficient, we actually operate under the debt-riddled sponsorship of other corporate-run states such as The Kingdom of Walmart, The Entergy Nation, The United Mortgage Kingdom, and The Soveriegn Auto Finance States. This definitely makes us a Corporatocracy.

When the Princesses complain about not getting a new toy or not liking what we’re having for dinner, we like to remind them that if they don’t like it they can use their own money to pay for what they want. Until then, we (the Queen and I) have the money and we make the rules. So we’re a Plutocracy.

Ultimately, we’re trying to raise our kids not to be great kids, but to be great adults. There is a plan, however convoluted and disjointed, to have our children grow up to be productive, loving, loyal, and respectful members of this great Nation. So this could be a Futarchy (based on the idea of planning an outcome, then figuring out how to achieve it.)

Maybe we should just come up with a new term for what Noisetopia is. Something that says “we’re in this together, all of us.” Something that clearly defines all of those unclear characteristics and chaotic happenings that come with raising kids. Or we could just call it what it always has been. A family.

Side note: there is another term that describes a government that is completely run by goats. Yes, goats. The kind that eat grass and climb on things. It’s called a Capracracy. And, for some reason, I feel like that describes Noisetopia the best of all.

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